Saying Goodbye
April 19, 2018
By Bridget Grella
The rapid decline I have seen in the last 48 hours shocks me. My stunning grandmother is lying in a hospital bed set up in my parent’s living room. The woman lying next to me barely resembles the woman who marched me around the east coast weekend after weekend showing me her world in a “Mame” like way. I loved her so.
I didn’t want her to go before I was ok. Selfishly I would tell her daily how everything was fine and that the girls and I were going to be ok-in fact we were better off. She would just smile; she was from the generation that a woman needs to have a partner so she did want to make sure I had found someone to spend my life with. She would tell me all of the time that she was praying for me and that she was worried about me. I would giggle and say thanks Nani…under my breath I would say please make sure he is funny and honest…and then tell her to put it out for a few years because I wasn’t quite ready…she would say “oh bibi you don’t get to decide that…I guess she is right, she usually is.
Two days ago before Nani became non responsive she spoke to me and asked me to help her. More specifically “Bibi you need to fix this my ankles hurt so badly please make the pain go away…” With a lump in my throat I then proceeded to rub and move and put hot towels and channel my inner masseuse. I had no idea what I was doing. I am in finance. But for my Grandmother I would swing from trees. I was honored she would ask me for help. Funny how relationships turn full circle-the child becomes the parent.
As I watch Nani’s chest slowly move up and down, I think about how we all live. Am I the person I should be today? When it is my turn did I do enough? Supported and loved my family? Gave forgiveness? Sought forgiveness? I do know that I won’t be rethinking my portfolio or spending habits or even if I have left enough stuff behind. I will hope to be surrounded by my family. As I sit with Nani my oldest, Quinn sits next to me and smiles and takes my hand. Times like these are priceless.
My Grandparents created a beautiful family and as a result all of us who love her have been in and out. It is beautiful to see. Somehow knowing that it may be the last time they say I love you and hear it back from her. My youngest daughter Riochai turned to me and said I know Nani is dying but I love sitting around with everyone singing songs and laughing and crying. Not bad for my TEEN to feel the love in a room.
My mother continues to inspire us with her strength and compassion. When our time comes to move to the front of the line may we remember what you did for your parents and what both you and daddy have taught us. I know my daughters and I will not leave our parents/grandparents side and that is how it works right? The next generation learns how family works and grows and the beat goes on.
Goodnight god bless you and I love you Nani. The roots you planted are very strong. I know that who I am today is because I knew you and that you loved me. Quinn, Riochai, and I are better women because of all that you have taught us. It is ok for you to leave us, you must be so tired. We will take care of our family and will have you in our hearts forever.